Current Newsletter

Raising Strong Girls

Current Newsletter
(to receive this via email,
send an email to maybury@beeline-online.net )

November 2011 Newsletter:

I’m Grateful for Empathy

“When the character of a man (woman) is not clear to you, look to his (her) friends.” –Japanese Proverb

How are things going as your daughter starts back to school? In addition to her new classes, new teacher, new assignments, how are things going in terms of the peer dynamics of her classroom, her lunchroom, and recess? The reason I have this in mind is because last week I was presenting research on Emotional Intelligence to my undergraduate Psychology students, and I was thinking about our daughters’ and sons’ acquisition of emotional intelligence in the middle school years.

We all vary in our Emotional Intelligence capacity which is our ability to 1) perceive emotions accurately (in oneself and others) 2) manage emotional situations, and 3) predict what emotions one will feel in response to various situations. One area of promising research in Emotional Intelligence is the use of empathy training programs in schools and workplaces. In particular, I’ve become intrigued by the powerful effects of Social and Emotional Learning efforts in public schools. Many different programs, (including Roots of Empathy, shown here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5k0_ppaciIM&feature=related) have been implemented over the past 5 years, and the total effect of these programs is incredibly positive and exciting. Students from many different school environments have shown impressive academic, behavioral, and community positives when they have been utilized in K-12 settings. A recent meta-analysis by Durlak and colleagues in the journal Child Development shows these effects with more than 200,000 students.

Rachel Simmons is also a fan. In her newly revised Odd Girl Out, Simmons has many strategies for teachers and parents to strengthen social and emotional skills in the classroom and at home. She believes SEL is valuable not only for your daughter and her social well-being, but also for her sense of confidence in navigating the unexpected, the cruel, the mind-boggling drama that comes out-of-the-blue in the middle school years. If a program like this doesn’t exist at your daughter’s school, there are some approaches that can be done at home, during Scouts, and in other settings.

First, taking the temperature of our children’s social and emotional well-being is important. How can you help the children in your home, or your class, become stronger emotionally and socially this year? Since I don’t believe there is an expiration date for teaching empathy, this fall, each of the students in my college classes has been assigned (secretly) another individual in the class that they are presenting positive vibes to: someone they pay special attention to, listen to their in-class comments carefully, and treat them with a special extra sense of appreciation. At the end of the semester, the students will give a customized thank-you for what that person has provided the class throughout the semester.

Another approach that Simmons suggests: teachers should spend classroom time, early in the semester, communicating acceptable standards for non-verbal behavior in the classroom. Using this technique the teacher can head-off potential problems before the first student rolls her eyes at another student’s in-class comment. Naming the powerful messages encrypted in rolled eyes, sighs, the cold shoulder, laughter, the silent treatment, a quick sneer, takes away an important weapon in the relational aggressor’s arsenal. When teachers do this, says Simmons, “…the point is for students to own what their bodies are saying. When you weigh in on this issue during class time, you send the message that not only are you not clueless, you take the safety of your students seriously.” (p. 353, Simmons, 2011). Such a discussion shows your students that you understand the subtleties of how adolescents sometimes communicate with each other, and it will not be invisible in your classroom. (In addition, Simmons has some excellent conversation starters for classes to set group-devised standards against psychological aggression.)

I think parents can adapt this exercise for at-home-use with their daughters. Try this fun dinner-hour or in-the-car-on-the-way-to-karate exercise: Ask your child to offer different ways (using tone of voice, body language, non-verbal behavior) of saying: “I don’t know her.” When I’ve asked this of the girls in my Girls Course, they have shown they can convey very different messages (confusion, anger, irritation, amusement) with the same words, by utilizing different facial expressions, tones of voice, and body language (crossed arms, the hair-toss, the shrug).

Exercises like this provide multiple benefits. They help a girl name what is going on when someone shoots her a dirty look, which can be confusing to a ten year old who hasn’t encountered this type of aggression before. It also can help a girl feel like she has an understanding advocate (her mom, dad, or teacher) who ‘gets it.’ Finally, practicing this skill can help her regulate her own emotional responses, and decipher the underlying message that a classmate may be giving. In 5^th or 6^th grade, girls who use this type of body language may feel (and be perceived as) sophisticated. But if you go a step further, and decipher the underlying message, girls begin to understand the potential harm.

Try to think back to the first time you encountered someone saying, through rolled eyes, a shoulder shrug, a giggle the message “she’s so lame. We’re so cool”. Being included as The Cool in such an exchange can be heady stuff to a girl when she first encounters it. Being identified as The Lame can be devastating and bewildering. Through practice and depiction, and discussion, girls understand that a snear/rolled eyes/cold shoulder inflicts more harm than she may realize, and creates drama that she may not anticipate.

Developing zones of emotional safety and individually helping teens develop social emotional skills are vital for developing into healthy adults. I’m grateful for Simmons’ articulate and impassioned and wise advocacy for these oft-overlooked skills. I’m also grateful for Social and Emotional Learning Programs, which present empathy as a vital human skill that, yes, should be taught in schools. We can help our children practice social emotional skills at home and at school by looking for opportunities for them to recognize and regulate their emotions, respond empatheticly to others from all walks of life, and, when faced with difficult situations responding carefully, bravely, and with others in mind. We can’t expect perfection from our children, but expecting and thinking about “what could I have done differently in that situation?” when we fall short can be a great learning experience, and a template for many other circumstances later in life. By using our imaginations when role playing (and just playing!) we can consider these topics with our girls without the ensuing drama that usually happens when these events occur organically.

I wish you and your daughter a school year of emotional, intellectual and social growth.

May empathy reign in her world at school and at home!

June 2011 Newsletter

Coaches

Like many of you, many weekdays I’m tossing my folding chair into the car, asking my daughter to ‘hussle up’ and scanning the forecast for thundershowers before we head to the softball field. As a lifelong devotee to reading, not sports, I’ve found myself surprised by the joy of toting my folding chair to watch 11 year olds play ball.

I tend to listen to adults carefully when they are interacting with young people (mostly to pick up tips on how to improve my own skills with communicating with my children). At my daughter’s last softball game, I was particularly struck by the comments and posture of two coaches (on opposing teams). The game was incredibly close (final score: 19-18) and the girls were feeling the pressure. I was impressed by the coaches’ encouragement of each girl. The parents, too, were praising each girl’s effort at the bat, and every agile play was cheered loudly. This, I thought, was the way it should be. It reminded me of a video that I show in my positive psychology class on elevation. (Elevation is the emotion one feels when they see another person act in a particularly noble, brave, or altruistic manner). If you haven’t seen it before it is worthy viewing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek1iIOTsiRo.

I also was impressed with my very favorite part of the game: the line-up-and-shake-hands part. The girls are now mature enough to say “good game” to their opponents during this line up-- without prompting. I think this, in addition to cheering on teammates, is such a valuable skill for them to take forward in life. We can have a vigorous contest (even disagree on a call) and at the end of the day we shake hands and say “good game.” Frequently the translation of this is: “That was a tough game. I think you are a good player. I think we both are getting better at this softball thing.”

At the end of many games, I bring home a new skill as a parent. My challenge is to learn from the very best coaches and the very best players. By ‘very best’ I mean those who show character strengths. I admire and try to emulate (imperfectly, of course) the character traits of keeping composure when the chips are down and the pressure is high, being a peacemaker when tempers flare. Perhaps hardest of all: making a fair call, even when one’s own score or standing is at stake. My husband has advised our children on this front: real character is what you do when no one is looking. Here is one more clip that demonstrates this concept: http://www.values.com/inspirational-stories-tv-spots/106-Basketball

I hope you and your child have a wonderful summer, full of healthy growth!

Warm regards,

Karol

To subscribe directly to this e-letter contact: maybury@beeline-online.net

PS Last month I gave a workshop on bullying research (plus the latest strategies for being a good bystander) for parents and students who were going through the Confirmation process at a house of worship. Both the kids and parents seemed to appreciate considering this topic in light of their faith practices and beliefs. For many, a faith tradition (or our devotion to humanistic ideas such as fairness and justice) can be a source of strength and wisdom when we encounter tough situations. I think this question may be worthy of your dinner-hour or car-talk conversation: What is our obligation as bystanders who witness an injustice? How does our church / synagogue / mosque / family ethos inform our response to injustice?

January, 2011
Raising Girls Newsletter

Are you a Tiger Parent? A Dolphin?

Have you heard about the new book by Amy Chua The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? It has been the hot topic of debate on talk shows and Facebook pages. Amy Chua, a successful Yale University professor outlines her uber-strict tiger mother parenting tactics, which include austere edicts that her two daughters not have playdates or sleepovers, watch TV, choose their own extracurricular activities, earn a grade less than an A, and many other rules that she believes are central to children’s academic excellence, musical flourishing, and self-discipline. ‘But at what cost?’, many countered. I haven’t read the book—only the WSJ article on January 8^th, which includes some stunning assertions from her book. I also enjoyed two worthwhile follow-up articles.

The first was by David Brooks in the New York Times, entitled “Amy Chua is a Wimp”. Brooks asserts that allowing a daughter to attend a sleepover takes courage on both the parent’s part, and the daughter’s. A lot of skills are needed and honed during a sleepover: being humorous without poking fun at others; dealing with potentially explosive assertions by a girl power broker “You like HIM??!”, helping all girls feel welcome. Brooks knows, like many of us do, that The Sleepover probably requires so many crisis management skills that even a professional diplomat would be daunted!

Along with Brooks, another parent, Erika Christakis, joined the conversation and wrote about dolphin mothers: parents who are flexible and playful with their children. Christakis, on CNN.com, wrote “As higher mammals, we know that our offspring learn through play, and we make time in their day for this important cognitive and social task… we can also clearly communicate our expectations, values and love to our children. And we are acutely tuned to their needs and feelings. This is especially helpful as our children go out into a world full of dangers and choices.”

That sounds good. Still, I don’t really see myself as 100% Dolphin. Sometimes I’m a Trembling Yorkie. (That metaphor is not going to sell any books!). Like this weekend. My daughter went to a mercifully uneventful (in fact, joyful) sleepover on Friday night. She was excited about the invitation from a new, gentle friend, but I know enough of how difficult and fraught these events can be, that I had a few moments of prayer: “I hope she’s doing ok”. You can imagine my relief when I received a 10 PM email from the host parent saying how well the event was going and how kindly and humorously the girls were playing. The next day I picked up my tired girl and she told me about playing Hair Salon (using cottonballs for currency, naturally). She also reported on a midnight “what’s that sound??!” drama where each girl armed herself with whatever item was at hand. G. had a piece of plastic. Another girl picked up a toy guitar. “To sing a painfully bad song, so the thief would run away?” I asked the next morning. Suffice it to say that it was one of those merciful events where giggles and kindness were at the center. I know plenty of parents, however, who do eschew sleepovers for Chua reasons or reasons of self-preservation (their own sleep, their daughter’s sleep, or because they know that in their daughters’ circle things can get ugly too often, too quickly). I think those are laudable und understandable positions, and I don’t second guess them.

So…. Am I a Tiger? Dolphin? Yorkie?… I’m actually not in any one camp. I can be a Tiger (“It’s time for trombone practice. NOW.”) and 30 minutes later a Dolphin. Ask my children about my inexplicable delight in anthropomorphizing our cats with bad British accents. (The kids’ think I’m ridiculous. The cats ignore it. But I’m enthralled. And that’s what’s important.) An hour later: a plain old human Mama, tearing up when I fold up my 8-year-old’s favorite patched jeans, knowing that he has finally outgrown them for good.

Some might call it being wishy-washy. But I like to think of it as nimbleness. Some moments call for being a Tiger, others for being a Dolphin. And sometimes all you can muster is a trembling yorkie. (Be kind to yourself then.) The trick is to figure out which one is needed in a particular moment. And that’s what I’m aiming for every day as a parent.

May 2010
Relational Aggression & Bullying

          For much of the past 3 months I have been talking to parents, teachers, and students in Massachusetts and Maine about bullying and relational aggression. One of the most important points that many adults have identified: the generational differences in bullying today vs. when we were in school. Namely, today’s victims of relational aggression can no longer rely on their home as a safe-haven. The bully’s reach has extended to the victim’s home via the internet, IM, and cell phones.

         This month I would like to focus on what researchers have recently discovered about girls who use relational aggression with their peers. Hopefully this newsletter will help you identify relational aggression if your daughter experiences it, whether she is the victim, the bystander, or the person producing relational aggression. It is unnerving to think that one’s daughter could be the target or the perpetrator of relational aggression. But during the preteen and teen years girls are experimenting with their new social power, increased time out of mom or dad’s eyesight and earshot, and chances are she will encounter relational aggression during these years.

First, a definition. Relational aggression is any exclusionary tactic that is used to isolate or demote another socially. It may be lies, gossip, betraying secrets, exclusion, teasing someone about their attire, physical appearance, or other friendships. The more extensive and pervasive this behavior becomes, the more empowered the perpetrator feels, and the more isolated and helpless the target feels.

The girl who perpetrates relational aggression may just be trying the behavior on for size, perhaps without understanding how much it hurts. She may test-the-waters with a friend or peer, in order to detect whether the peer (or others, like parents or teachers) will allow the behavior. And we need to have our antennae up for instances of it, so it does not grow in frequency and strength. This is one reason why the latest social networking sites like Formspring, are so worrisome. They allow for anonymous postings, and quickly become hotbeds for unregulated relational aggression.

The latest research on girls and their families by Nikki Crick reveals that girls who engage in relational aggression are more likely to: 1) have reduced levels of empathy 2) have a strong need for power 3) be from a family environment where intolerance for others is practiced 4) be self-absorbed 5) tend toward blaming others rather than taking responsibility for their misdeeds 6) tend to bully when parents or teachers are not around and 7) have a seemingly positive (!) self-image. (#7 came as a surprise to many psychologists. Some theorize that an inflated self-image may mask a deeper sense of inadequacy.)

What can a parent do? Moms and dads can help by talking about real or fictional depictions of relational aggression. Or their own experiences with relational aggression when they were younger, and what they did or wish they had done. A fellow psychologist uses this tactic with his daughter: practice the powerful attitude commonly depicted by Cesar Milan (The Dog Whisperer): calm assertiveness. Giving your daughter some words to have at-the-ready “I don’t like when you do that.” “That isn’t fair.” “Please stop now.” “That’s mine, and I would like it back.” Said in a calm, strong, pleasant voice – almost as if she were channeling Cesar.

And don’t worry if you (and she) think of the right thing to say an hour or two later. (Which is what usually happens to me.) Still discuss the situation and identify a good response. Don’t worry that the ship has sailed, and it won’t do any good to talk it over. Exploring “next time, here’s what you could do and say.” may seem pointless. It isn’t. She will learn to extrapolate what she is learning to different situations, and some vital human-relationship-education is occurring in these conversations. And she is, perhaps most importantly, learning that you are a go-to resource. She is learning that in your home, she needn’t suffer in silence.

Finally, if your daughter is in a relationship with a girl that seems to find a lot of trouble landing on her doorstep, consider finding some other relationships or social outlets for your daughter (sports teams, scouting, religious youth groups, family friends) where she can explore a different type of friendship. A new friendship, at camp, in synagogue, in her fall classroom may be just the ticket for her gaining a new perspective on healthy and unhealthy friendship. Speaking from personal experience, my BFF from 6th grade, and my ultimate BFF, were not the same girl ; )

To read more about this issue, please see Stonehill College’s coverage of this presentation on Relational Aggression: http://www.stonehill.edu/x21640.xml <http://www.stonehill.edu/x21640.xml>

Wishing you and your families a safe and enjoyable summer, filled with brave new experiences, and kind friendship – which is so central to human happiness.

-------------------

Girls’ Book Groups
March 2010

When I first moved to Cape Cod in 2001, I took a deep breath and put an ad in the local Pennysaver, asking for fellow book lovers to start a women’s book group with me. I also put flyers in my neighbor’s mailboxes, and was delighted when one month later I was surrounded by 10 new friends in my living room, each of us with her own copy of The Red Tent by Anita Diamont on her lap.

Fast forward 7 years, and I received an email from my dear friend Erin Greenhalgh who was starting a Mother-Daughter book group for women and their daughters, grades 3-5. Were Grace & I interested? Yes!!

Since moving to Maine, we’ve missed our book group. Through Erin’s group, my daughter and I reconnected with the joy of reading books together (something we did more frequently when she was a toddler and preschooler, and somehow had fallen by the wayside).

At the meetings, I was impressed by the girls’ ability to encounter and think about problems, issues, social quandaries in a supportive, non-pressured, let’s-brainstorm atmosphere. Thinking about the stresses of a peer who has a sibling with special needs (Rules by Cynthia Lord) clarified concretely how we can be more compassionate, brave, and thoughtful classmates and neighbors. Or, considering what we would do if a good friend started to diss a less popular girl (100 Dresses by Eleanor Estes) helped us all come up with phrases that girls could have at-the-ready, before they are put on-the-spot.

I learned a lot about the procedures that work for good book discussions from Erin and my friends on Cape Cod. Choosing books through a nomination and voting system worked well. The girls chose one month, and then the moms chose the book for the following month. (As the girls get older they will probably insist upon more control over this voting system!)

Another handy tactic is for each girl to write down an open-ended question at the beginning of the meeting, fold it, and place it in a bowl, which is then passed around the group. Each girl draws and reads a question, and then each girl formulates her answer to the question. Importantly, agreement is not sought or required.

So in 2010, Grace and I took what we learned on Cape Cod and started the Great Girls Book Group in Farmington last month. After our first meeting, one girl’s dad asked her: “How was it?” and she replied “It was fun! I liked that we didn’t all agree on different aspects of the book, and that was OK.” Hearing that report made my heart sing. It made me realize we not only are modeling love of literature for our daughters. Not only are we introducing them to new situations to consider before they face them in real life. We are, perhaps most importantly, modeling that we can disagree face-to-face, without being disagreeable, but with a good spirit of “Hmm. I hadn’t thought about it that way. Interesting idea.”

Such tolerance for others’ views expands the mind. And socializes the girls toward the idea that disagreement needn’t be scary, insurmountable, or even unpleasant. Hearing others out, and coming to a conclusion, even if it is “You think this. And I think this. And that’s okay.” is a healthy template for honesty and directness, and is probably at the very heart of fostering more meaningful peace between girls in the great big world.

Good Works vs. Good Looks
January 2010

I recently read The Body Project: A History of American Girls by Joan Jacobs Brumberg. Brumberg analyzed 100 years of diaries of everyday American girls and found some fascinating differences between modern times and previous generations. She found the mantra “I hate my body.” is a modern construct, that became prevalent in girls’ diaries starting in the 80’s and 90’s. It isn’t that girls didn’t write about pimples, training bras, and first dates 50 or 100 years ago. But their concerns were overshadowed by interior—rather than exterior - concerns about their character and relationship development.

This wonderful book also shows how things like household mirrors, the ubiquitous beauty industry, cosmetics, an even indoor bathroom changes (!) fed a new focus on the body, and coincided with cultural development of self-hatred that now plagues so many women and girls.

Last month I told my Psychology of Gender class about this book, and we discussed the disappearance of good works organizations for girls. (Like the still-strong Girl Scouts and Camp Fire Girls, historically there were dozens of such organizations, religious and secular, for girls to join for fellowship and service). Such organizations have symbolically been replaced by the mall, commercial and material goals, and most importantly for many girls, the body project – analyzing and perfecting one’s outward appearance – which we all know is an impossible goal!

While I’m not a fan of New Year Resolutions per se, it’s a good opportunity to consider some positive actions I’d like to focus on in 2010. So… mine are: Affirming Girls and Women, Praising Good Works, Providing Opportunities for Girls and Women To Practice Good Works. And that big mirror I was planning to unpack from the old house? I really don’t miss it. And my daughter doesn’t need it.

Wishing you and your daughters all good things in 2010: 1) Peace with herself 2) Love for others, and 3) Finding good works that she gets fired up about!